Saturday, April 28, 2007

Lifting up my spirit

I am feeling a bit down. Its just two weeks and my menstrual cycle is back with all the terrible dizziness, nausea and headaches. Feel like I am fighting with the whole world. I am swing from feeling okay to - "I am going to Kill you".
We have family over at the moment. I feel so bad cause I am sleeping a lot. Tonight they took the girls ice-skating and I stayed at home.
At the back of my mind I got school papers to mark and I am wondering if I must go to psychiatrist's and tell him I took myself off the anti-depressants, he should give me something else or must I continue to try and find alternative methods.
This afternoon I felt like booking myself into the hospital and just escaping the realities - feel like everything around is just falling apart because I don't have any self-discipline.

I came to my blog and my swap-bot site. I realise that if I have the self-discipline to update my blog and to make up packages and post them on time.
It made start counting all the things I have done right this week and get perspective again.
Still got the headache but at I am smiling.

Think my husband was very worried about leaving me alone tonight. For good reason. I could have been dwelling on what we argued about today and really allowed my thoughts to spiral out of control into a dark hole.
But I have realised that just like my perspective is sometimes warped , so is his - what he saw as undermining really was not> I put everything her plate that you had except for the mayonnaise (which was not a bad thing for her to say no too)and just presented it differently - the aim was to get her eat and supported that.
Really and truly for the past few weeks when I did cook - specifically last weekend you were surprised at how much veggies and salad I made - and she ate it - now this week you are carry on like there has never been healthy food in our house. Yesterday you complimented me on shopping for the right stuff last week and this week you tell me that my child is fat because of me.
I don't want my daughter to have a bad relationship with food and with her body. And I know that I have not been a good example - I tried to kill myself two years ago - because realised that she might be better off without me.
Okay , now I am crying and officially feeling depressed!

I have not drank filter coffee for two weeks now. Started drinking instant coffee. But I have joined another coffee swap!Coffee Addicts Unite Swap, the picture above comes from the swap page - I looked at it and I felt my spirit lift up. If I make plans for the future and I am looking forward to it, I know myself well enough to know that I will not let my myself give up. Thank you Andrea for your picture and your swap.
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