Sunday, July 29, 2007

A prayer for direction

I found myself in the same place for three years in row for different reasons and different circumstances. I am starting wonder what it is that I am not seeing. There is obviously and lesson or message that I am not learning or understanding.

My friend Ruth said something to me the other day and I felt alarm bells going off in my head and then I just pushed it away. Two years ago I read the book following our North Star and the same thing happened ( I didn't do all the exercises but I remember the emotions I felt). Each year I have done a little work, a little delving within and then decided to get on with life as it is now and believed that the following year would be better. Surprise, Surprise! I find myself at the same crossroads again!
Part of me is saying but this is what you asked for. You living in the place and working in the job that you wanted (okay not teaching the my subjects of choice but I also knew that would happened that is why I have studied so many different subjects so that I could be of service in the school in various subject areas). I am find myself having to build up a lot of energy in order to do the minimum amount of tasks to keep my head above water. This is tiring and frustrating, it is also knocking my self-esteem. I believe in the principal of working to the best of my ability, I believe in working hard and being prepared and I am falling short in my own eyes , of my own standards - I am trying to creep up back to where I want to be and my husband is really supporting me.
But at the same time I am wondering if I am really creeping/ climbing the the right wall. When I ask what else or where else , my mind is blank.
There have flashes of wanting to work with younger children, doing holiday programs. Last year I even went as far as design a logo, blog and one week program. It was fun, hard work and unsuccessful.
Then I think I need to find the joy where I am and forget about taking the risk of forging unknown path.
I have worked my whole life and taken decisions that I would make a better teacher, able to share give to others. That is what i have wanted to do since I was ten years old - teach. Every job I did in the past was taken to broaden my skills, experience in order to be a good person and teacher.
Now all I feel like doing is not working, taking a break. In a sense I feel I still would like to teach but I need a break from teaching at the moment - financially I cannot afford not to work. We have discussed positioning ourselves so that I could take a break but then I went and made foolish financially decisions and lost sight of that goal. Self-sabotage maybe.
So God, what I am really asking is can you talk to me more directly and loudly. I want to hear you clearly, I want to be sure is not my own fears directing me. I believe that you want be me to be a happy and fulfilled person. I know that as experience this happiness and fulfilment that those who come into contact with me will be blessed too. This is what I really want.
I need help right now to fulfil my current responsibilities and I need direction right now as to which career path to take.
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