Friday, January 26, 2007

Me in cocoon state

You may have heard the parable below before. I now I have. I have been doing
some internet reading on energy and self-healing techniques.

Last year October I began a journey to rediscover my relationship with God.
After an almost two battle with depression I came to the realisation that I
need to reconnect with God. Intellectually I know whats right (I think)but
emotionally I had stopped believing. Physically I was at church. At school
I gave advise to others to help them in their relationship with God. Yet
I was collapsing inside. I managed to fool myself and others that I was okay.
But the truth always raises its "ugly" head. Just acknowledging the fact that
I was lost and that being lost and confused is okay - made me feel free (relaxed).
God does not need me to be perfect to work with me. I don't even have to
be perfect in order for him to use me as a vessel.

I am not being a hypocrite when I teach the children in Sabbath School/Adventurers
or when I give spiritual advise. God can still use me if I am a willing to be used.
I am however hyspocritical if I ignore my confusion and doubts and pretend that everything is okay. That is unfair to me, others and God.

In order reconnect or rediscover the "truth", I must be authentic. Why do I say rediscover?
I believe that at various points in my life that I have heard God's voice, felt convicted and lived fully in that conviction.
My depression resulted because I did not realise that my strenght and conviction of the past was not enough to carry me through new circumstances and challenges.
My apparant inability and weakness shocked me so much - I could not accept it - I felt like I should rather not live than live incompletely.
What I actually needed was a new dream/vision for my life. "Where there is no vision we perish". So in a sense I did "die" and now I am reborn and just like a baby I need to learn new skills to live in the world.

A little parable when you get stuck in the Past and are reluctant to embrace
My Autobiography in FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS by Portia Nelson
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk,
I fall in,
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault,
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault!
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidwalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in because it's a habit!
I know where I am.
It is my fault!
I get out pretty quickly!
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street!
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